hi this is just to write anything that isnt uhhmm diary type i suppose? might as well have it all in the same place.
i remember when you walked me around the city, each step a new memory for you. i knew none of them. you recalled each one with such proficiency to the point i found myself envious.
i wanted to reach into your brain and see exactly how it worked at the time. you joke about that constantly, letting me 'poke around in there' or leaving it for me as a will. youre never as funny as i act like you are.
you ended up taking me to a pub later in the day, around eighteen. ideal meal time- apparently. we walked halfway down the street away from it, arguing over if we should even go in.
i hated the idea. it was suffocating and mundane. i wanted new, some other random place. i wanted one day of being completely spontaneous.
you, however, did not. always so stuck on familiar places (i suppose i cant really blame you). "ive gone thirty times, its fine!" you had shouted, turning on the corner of the street.
i hadnt ever seen you yell at me. never in the years weve known eachother. in a sense, i found it admirable. we went to the pub.
i think i spent those days feeling the most alive ive ever been. you have always been an odd exception, no matter how much of a pesk. you never gave some horrid reaction, perhaps thats why, youve always treated me as is. i am glad that i am someone you yell at, you never do it enough. i am glad that we are friends and i am glad that you do not force yourself to deal with me. i wish youd stop bringing me to pubs, though.
(you apologize everytime regardless.)
you and i, laid in the same bed. left alone in an apartment, your cat bouncing around the couch. a studio.
we laid back to back, your body pressed up against the 'too stiff' pillows. i had discarded mine. we both like very different beds; i prefer stiff, i hate the use of pillows. your beds have always been soft, well used. i wonder how long you spend in them.
the first night you woke with a horrible kink in your neck, already awake far before me. apparently, i was not to be disturbed once i was finally asleep. you spent the entire night awake either next to me or on the couch.
during the second one, i stayed awake a bit longer. turned on my side, wacthing you for what felt like hours. i sketched you, you know? the view of your back, covered in a blanket and leaned against a pillow. cat curled up next to you.
my fingers twicthed the whole night. i wanted to be close with someone without it being romantic. i wanted to press my fingers against the back of your neck and work it out. you let me warm my hands on your throat all of the winter. how do you trust me with such a soft area?